Tuesdays with Beer: Jersey's

It's been a couple of weeks, but the Tuesdays with Beer feature returns. This week we are at bar/restaurant Jersey's, the one lonely alcohol outpost out on the bypass. This time it was a family affair, with Matt and I accompanied by (Matt's wife) Penni and four-year old Ian.

As we entered Jersey's, the first thing we noticed was that the music was somewhere near 120 decibels, around the same volume as a jet engine. This would not be so weird at a popular nightspot, but the fact that it was a 6 o'clock on a Tuesday, and there were less than a half dozen people in the joint made it rather conspicuous. The waitress apparently noticed our discomfort, because she quickly told us that she didn't know how to turn the music down. Eventually the quarters ran out and the Queen subsided.

Jersey's is not a bad looking place inside. On one side is a restaurant area with around a dozen large tables. The other side is the bar area. We sat at first in the restaurant and ordered a bunch of fried stuff: cheese balls, mini-corn dogs, and popcorn chicken. Also a flatbread Philly sandwich and a chipolte club sandwich. The food was...meh. Granted, the only competing bar restaurant in the area is Stadium, but, for instance, my club sandwich came on a hoagie bun, which was not expected. It wasn't exactly bad, but it wasn't exactly any different from a sandwich I might buy at a gas station, either. Jersey's food can leave an impression. When we walked in Ian said, "oh no, daddy we came here one time and ate outside and it wasn't very good." The mind of a four year old doesn't forget crappy food. But at least the nice sunny day on the patio was memorable.

On the other hand, the beer on tap at Jersey's is of better quality than the usual fare. They include Shiner Bock and Black Label, Woodchuck (for the ladies), Sam Adams Seasonal, Boulevard, Fat Tire, Mich Golden, Coors, Miller Lite, and--according to an advertisement--Madison's #1 beer Bud Light. Also, a good selection of bottled beers. If you can't find something to enjoy in the beer department, you are too picky. Boxed wine and champagne also available.

Like most area establishments, there is plenty of video lottery on hand, with a separate room cordoned off for your hardcore players. On the bar side of the venue, there is a Spider-Box game, which looks dangerous, as well as Big Buck Hunter (which is dangerous), a jukebox, dartboards, and a pool table. A sign indicated a beer pong league meets there, but they were not present tonight. A few seemingly random jerseys adorn the walls. Some are for Minnesota teams, while others appear to be bought from the dollar bin at Scheels, such as Yankees and Lakers jerseys that serve little apparent purpose. Perhaps what I like best about the bar area is the view out of a small, backward facing window of the grain elevator. As the sun went down we got a great look at one of the iconic small-town images.

Not unlike the Seasonal Sam on tap, we are theorizing that Jerseys is a seasonal bar. During the winter if feels small and bleak, but during the summer, you can enjoy the patio, order a pizza, and watch a train make it's leisurely journey down the tracks. It's a dead end bar that feels like it's going places. We hope to return to Jerseys later this year, sit outside in the summer sun, and get away from that God damned music.

Tuesdays with Beer: The Sportsman's Bar

7:10 PM at the Sportsman's Bar, Matt Groce and Brett Hoffman have a drink.

We've been here before, but not often. Last time, we were forced out by a rancid smell emanating from the salad bar. Spinach that had gone bad decades before. Tonight, there was no such smell, maybe because they've moved that same salad bar over to the Sportsman's Lounge restaurant down the street.

We were greeted by music as we walked in, a surprising and welcome development. Last week at the Trojan Tap, the line was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Not so at the happening Sportsman's this week. Eminem raps about White America and a small crowd of off duty Gehl employees make small talk around the bar. Matt says, "This is where you go for a drink between batches of cooking methamphetamine." True, but not necessarily a bad thing.

Not only was there music to greet us at this bar, but actual people as well. A local town drunk raised his glass to us and mumbled something about "my beer!" Right back at you, man! And look over there, a black man! It's the most diverse bar in Madison.

We walked up to the bar and ordered two Boulevards from the tap. Also available was Bud, Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, and Amber Bock. Our two beers cost $1.50 each, and absurdly low price. This is a place to drink on a budget. Suck on that Minneapolis! Also, available in bottles were Summit IPA and Summit Octoberfest. Wine was on hand as well--Arbor Mist and Sutter Home.

The money you save can be spent at one of the eight video lottery machines. The bartender told us he had seen people drop $700 in a machine. That's 466 and 2/3 beers! Tonight there was only one guy playing the machines. He smoked an e-cigarette while he played. There's also a pool table and a (working) dart machine.

On the walls was a staggering collection of mirror paintings. You know, the weird amalgam art form that is part mirror, part wildlife painting? There was a lot of that at Sportsman's, and the bar is better for it. Mixed with the wood paneling, it gives the bar a glow. This is your uncle's man-room in his basement. It's a place for working people to feel comfortable. We were out of the ordinary in our sweaters, but not out of place.

The bartender deserves a note of his own. He evidently doesn't work too often, because the regulars seemed surprised to see him behind the counter. But he was a charming older guy in a plaid shirt, with a rag hanging out of his back pocket. He was nervous talking to us, but clearly a good guy, and I bet a real character if you got to know him. He is small town bartender of your dreams. He took our word that we were over 21. The glasses hanging above him in the bar probably haven't been used in 20 years.

You can bring your big-city friends here, though it's hard to say why I am so comfortable saying that. Like it's cousin across the street, Foley's, this bar is natural and at-home in Madison. For whatever reason, this is not the place where most people I know tend to go, but it could easily have become my default bar if I knew more people that went there. In some ways, it is the inverse of the Trojan Tap--not conscientiously drawing any particular crowd. Under the prairie sky, this is the kind of bar where devils and angels come to sit, have a drink, and put their differences behind them for a few hours.

Tuesdays with Beer: Trojan Tap

Tuesday, February 22, 2011, 7:30 PM Brett Hoffman and Matt Groce visit the Trojan Tap in Madison, South Dakota.

The Trojan Tap is one of about 8 or so drinking establishments in Madison depending on how you count them. The two us had not been in here since 2004, back when it was called Fat Daddy's, a bad bar name if you've ever heard one. The idea behind Fat Daddy's was that it would be a sort of Irish Pub, but that never caught on. Before Fat Daddy's, this establishment was called the Happy Hour, famous for its fried chicken.

Now it's the Trojan Tap, in an effort to attract college kids, the Dakota State University Trojans. Tonight there weren't many college kids around. In fact, when we walked in, there was just us and the bartender, an obese twenty-something in a DSU t-shirt. At first, we weren't sure he was the bartender, since he was sitting at a barstool with his laptop. But he obliged us after we came out of the cold and got on the right side of the bar. Granted, it was Tuesday night and early, so what were we expecting?

PBR was on tap, so the drink of the night was obvious. We ordered two beers, at $2.50 apiece. The only sound in the place was a television tuned to the Disney Channel, playing Ice Age. We got our beers and sort of stood around, eventually finding our way to one of the two tables in the joint, not wanting to sit at the barstools with no one else around.

There were two pool tables available, though the bartender was taking up one of them for about as long as we were present. There's also an old dart board, but it didn't look like it was working. Half of the lights were nonfunctional, apparently because of "a party the night before" according to the bartender. We didn't really understand what he was saying, but that was becoming a trend of sorts. There was, however, a black light on the ceiling that forced us both to hide the various stains on our clothes. Not the sort thing to do while picking up chicks.

As for the inside of the place, it's not bad in the dive-y sort of way that the bars of Madison tend to have. Wood paneling and some exposed brick, all of it painted over in light brown (my favorite color). Posters on the wall for NASCAR and the El Riad Shriners bar. Five video lottery machines along one wall is probably the high for downtown Madison bars. It's essentially par for the course, and could even be inviting if there were anyone around to share it with, but when you're on your own, it feels like you're drinking in someone's basement.

On tap: Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Mich Golden, and PBR. In bottles, you could have (for you fancy-types) Mike's Hard Lemonade and Cranberry, Smirnoff Ice, Corona, Heineken, and Newcastle. The PBR we drank tasted fine.

Since we were the only customers, the bartender brought us our second round at the table. For the third, he was playing pool, so we had to go up the bar. Also, by this point that Angelina Jolie movie where she bends the bullets around was on TV. This was a step up, I think.

There was a room in back where it appeared there could be live music on occasion, but more likely a DJ. There was room to dance if ever there were a crowd. I don't know if they ever use this.

One positive that I'd like to report is that the bartender happily accepted my $5 that was torn in half and re-attached with a piece of tape. I hate when I have that sort of thing and I was greatly relieved that he took it off my hands. This may in fact have been my favorite part of the night. The bathroom is what you'd expect. The floor was unusually sticky considering it was a Tuesday night, but you can't be too picky about your bathroom floors. Toward the end of the two hours we spent in Trojan Tap, another soul did come in, much to my joy. It turned out though that this was another employee on his off-day or something, not a real customer.

In a way, it's hard to believe that there aren't any kind of regulars that frequent this place. It's no worse than several other bars in the area. But it's also no better, I suppose, and it's the newest name in a town with a lot of dingy bars.

So what is the lesson of this experiment? In one sense, it's maybe that you should simply tamp down your expectations when you're going out in Madison on a Tuesday night. But at least other bars appeared occupied. Trojan Tap is solely for those whose existential sadness is driving them toward complete isolation. If you need to experience a black hole, complete with PBR, then by all means, drag your sorry ass to the Trojan Tap. There are days when that's just what I needed. But thankfully, those day are few and far between lately.

On the other hand, if you're looking for hassle-free employment, this may just be the gig for you!