Tuesdays with Beer: Trojan Tap

Tuesday, February 22, 2011, 7:30 PM Brett Hoffman and Matt Groce visit the Trojan Tap in Madison, South Dakota.

The Trojan Tap is one of about 8 or so drinking establishments in Madison depending on how you count them. The two us had not been in here since 2004, back when it was called Fat Daddy's, a bad bar name if you've ever heard one. The idea behind Fat Daddy's was that it would be a sort of Irish Pub, but that never caught on. Before Fat Daddy's, this establishment was called the Happy Hour, famous for its fried chicken.

Now it's the Trojan Tap, in an effort to attract college kids, the Dakota State University Trojans. Tonight there weren't many college kids around. In fact, when we walked in, there was just us and the bartender, an obese twenty-something in a DSU t-shirt. At first, we weren't sure he was the bartender, since he was sitting at a barstool with his laptop. But he obliged us after we came out of the cold and got on the right side of the bar. Granted, it was Tuesday night and early, so what were we expecting?

PBR was on tap, so the drink of the night was obvious. We ordered two beers, at $2.50 apiece. The only sound in the place was a television tuned to the Disney Channel, playing Ice Age. We got our beers and sort of stood around, eventually finding our way to one of the two tables in the joint, not wanting to sit at the barstools with no one else around.

There were two pool tables available, though the bartender was taking up one of them for about as long as we were present. There's also an old dart board, but it didn't look like it was working. Half of the lights were nonfunctional, apparently because of "a party the night before" according to the bartender. We didn't really understand what he was saying, but that was becoming a trend of sorts. There was, however, a black light on the ceiling that forced us both to hide the various stains on our clothes. Not the sort thing to do while picking up chicks.

As for the inside of the place, it's not bad in the dive-y sort of way that the bars of Madison tend to have. Wood paneling and some exposed brick, all of it painted over in light brown (my favorite color). Posters on the wall for NASCAR and the El Riad Shriners bar. Five video lottery machines along one wall is probably the high for downtown Madison bars. It's essentially par for the course, and could even be inviting if there were anyone around to share it with, but when you're on your own, it feels like you're drinking in someone's basement.

On tap: Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Mich Golden, and PBR. In bottles, you could have (for you fancy-types) Mike's Hard Lemonade and Cranberry, Smirnoff Ice, Corona, Heineken, and Newcastle. The PBR we drank tasted fine.

Since we were the only customers, the bartender brought us our second round at the table. For the third, he was playing pool, so we had to go up the bar. Also, by this point that Angelina Jolie movie where she bends the bullets around was on TV. This was a step up, I think.

There was a room in back where it appeared there could be live music on occasion, but more likely a DJ. There was room to dance if ever there were a crowd. I don't know if they ever use this.

One positive that I'd like to report is that the bartender happily accepted my $5 that was torn in half and re-attached with a piece of tape. I hate when I have that sort of thing and I was greatly relieved that he took it off my hands. This may in fact have been my favorite part of the night. The bathroom is what you'd expect. The floor was unusually sticky considering it was a Tuesday night, but you can't be too picky about your bathroom floors. Toward the end of the two hours we spent in Trojan Tap, another soul did come in, much to my joy. It turned out though that this was another employee on his off-day or something, not a real customer.

In a way, it's hard to believe that there aren't any kind of regulars that frequent this place. It's no worse than several other bars in the area. But it's also no better, I suppose, and it's the newest name in a town with a lot of dingy bars.

So what is the lesson of this experiment? In one sense, it's maybe that you should simply tamp down your expectations when you're going out in Madison on a Tuesday night. But at least other bars appeared occupied. Trojan Tap is solely for those whose existential sadness is driving them toward complete isolation. If you need to experience a black hole, complete with PBR, then by all means, drag your sorry ass to the Trojan Tap. There are days when that's just what I needed. But thankfully, those day are few and far between lately.

On the other hand, if you're looking for hassle-free employment, this may just be the gig for you!